Making Amends To Those We’ve Hurt

Step 9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Making direct amends to people you have hurt can be intimidating. It certainly was for me. The frightening thing about it was that I didn’t know how they would receive my apology. I didn’t know if they would accept it and forgive me or reject it and therefore reject me.

Step 9 is not for the faint-hearted. It puts us in a vulnerable position. However, this step is critical in our recovery process. It shows those who we have hurt, that we understand the gravity of what we’ve done to hurt them and that, we are willing to change. We are willing to do whatever it takes to make it right.

Be Prepared

When making amends (apologizing and/or paying a debt) to others, we are hoping for the best outcome. However, we must also be prepared for those who may not be willing to forgive us because they are still hurt by what we’ve said or done in the past. We have no control over how others will take our apologies. What Step 9 affords us to do is to admit our part and to do the next right thing, no matter how the other person responds.

After apologizing to someone, we may also hear them say, “You’ve said that before. What’s different now?” That’s when we can respond by explaining to them that we are actively working a 12-step program. And that we are desiring to be a person of good character.

Rejection is a Possibility

Depending on the circumstances, there may be outright rejection from some people when we try to make amends. They may be so hurt by our actions or words that they don’t want to talk about it or re-live bad memories. In this case, we have to let it go. We are not responsible for how they react to our attempt to make amends. We have to give the situation to God and let Him deal with that person’s heart.

In this Step, we have to remember that we don’t make amends to those who may be harmed by us revealing something that they may not have known or maybe it’s a known situation, but it may further damage their emotional well-being. We must be sensitive to this. We don’t want to damage someone for the sake of us feeling better about ourselves.

For people who we should have made amends to, but are no longer living, write them a letter of amends. This can help us work through our guilt and with our cries of “if only” statements, like:

• “If only I would have said I was sorry before they passed away.”
• “If only I didn’t say those awful things to them.”
• “If only I could take those words back.”
• “If only I could have thought before I opened my mouth.”
• “If only I could have known that I was never going to see them again.”

As we continue to work the recovery steps, we won’t have to tell people that we are trying to be a better person. They will start to notice how differently we respond to people and situations. As God works on us from the inside, the manifestation of our change will be made known on the outside.

Step 9 is a courageous step to take in our recovery process. It not only shows our willingness to rid ourselves of our character defects, it demonstrates our actions of moving toward living a life that is pleasing to God. It expresses our desire to do better and to live better.

Cynthia